March 2020

31/03/2020

Squirty Cream Fest

Dear Diarrhoea,

Mum went shopping, and she brought back goodies for me.
At least I think it’s for me, because it’s all food. All food is mine.
Best of all, she brought squirty cream.
She chopped up strawberries (she can have those, I’m not keen) and then put squirty cream on them for me. It was obviously a plate to share.
Well, I figured since the strawberries are hers, I’ll get to work on the cream so she won’t have to eat it.
Boy, she got mad!
Geez!
One little lick, and she goes ballistic. What’s all that about? It’s my cream, after all, brought for me!
Then she took the plate away and ate ALL of it!!!
Apparently she wanted the squirty cream herself.
At least she put some in the plate afterward. Pixie was helping and we gobbled it up together. Well, most of it. She took the plate and gave the rest to Livvy.
She says cream isn’t good for me, and that I make an unholy stink afterward. 
Lies.
I do not stink!

Yours,

Jezzy, the bottomless pit

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30/03/2020

Grass

Dear Diary,

Mum let us go on the grass yesterday, and we were all very happy about that.
Until this morning, when she turfed everyone back out into the no-grass field.
Back to hay.
Meh.
She also put our raincoats back on, because it was getting very nasty and cold. We even had some snow!
There isn’t much to report really, but it seems like we might be allowed on the grass permanently soon. That would be great!
Although I overheard her telling Stormy to “be patient, no grazing until early June”. That’s ages away!!
Meanwhile she’s burning stuff in our field. Green stuff. God knows what she’s up to. Says she can’t spray the front yard until this stuff is gone, because it’s covering a big area. 
I hope she’s done soon!

Best,

Oz

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29/03/2020

Buddies

Dear Diary,

Today we were all allowed on the grass! It’s very windy, but…grass!!
Totally awesome.
Timmy had his face and ears washed and smeared with ointment again. Every time he comes back from that he smells funny. I do feel a bit sorry for him, there’s hardly any hair left on his ears, but he seems to feel a bit better now. Less itchy I guess.
Mum stayed inside most of the day, can’t say I blame her. It was cold.
Still is.
She said she’s spending the day watching TV, but she did come out a few times to check on us.
This evening it got *really* cold and started to snow. When she came out, she had grain! So we all had a bit of that, while she put our coats back on. But she said her fingers were hurting from the cold.
I was glad we got the blankets, because Oz gets cold really quick, and then he gets all crampy and stuff…and then he gets sick… So now he’ll be warm and dry. There is a hut we can go into, but Oz doesn’t like going into it. And because he’s afraid to go in, we stay with him instead.
But, you know… we’re okay.
I’ve buddied up with Timmy a little bit, but I mostly hang out with Oz.
Still, we did try to eat mum’s car today, but it wasn’t very tasty.

Yours,

Stormy, the concerned horse.

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28/03/2020

stinkeye

Dear Diary,

Today me and Jezzy spent most of the day snuggled in “The Sheep”.
Mum wanted it, but she can’t have it. It’s mine.
Well, unless she shares it with me, then it’s okay. Sort of.
Then she went outside and mutilated a chair. At least that’s what it looked like. She was taking bits off, and sanding and gluing and screwing stuff back in. There was dust all over, I saw it from the window.
She ran out of something called Sandpaper. Allegedly my tongue is made of it, so maybe I could have helped? But she didn’t ask.
I tried to snuggle when she came in, but she ran into the bathroom and stayed in there for aaaaages. I went to make sure she hasn’t drowned herself in the shower, but she was ok. Said she was itchy.
Itchy is not nice, I know from experience. But why she wants to be wet all the time… I dunno. 
Later she got a call from a friend and I tried desperately to get attention, and bum slaps. I got a few bum slaps! But not enough. So I worked very hard to make her notice. Didn’t work.
She said I’m a nuisance. I don’t know what that is. I’m a Sphynx cat, not a nuisance. Surely she knows that by now?
We were watching her friend’s horses on video though, that was cool.
It’s really windy and chilly outside, but the fire is on in here, it’s nice and warm, and we’re all zonked out.

Livvy.

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27/03/2020

Helpers

Dear Diary,

Today was a fun day.
The human was digging in the muck heap, and there were many, many worms and bugs! We were, of course, helping. It was a bit of a chore though. She’d dig, and load a metal conveyance, then go off to another part of the garden, and tip it out. Then she was “mulching” it in — looked more like stabbing it with a spade, but hey… what do I know. I’m just a chicken.
But all that mulching revealed more worms, so we were happy about that.
The long ear stood there for about half an hour, listing to music. That was weird.
I have to say, now that she’s done the surrounds, and dug everything over — even put cloth on the ground! — it looks very nice.
I wonder what it’s for? A worm farm maybe? That would be cool!
Even Sia came to help for a while, but the horses decided to investigate and the human had to make a fence to keep them out.

We shall see what she does with it. I will report back.

Yours,

Louise, the worm hunter.

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26/03/2020

Smokey Chicken
Dear Diary.
 
The human was digging in the dirt today.
This was much fun. All those looooovely worms!
And she kept throwing things on a pile, which was very warm. I had to check it out, and she yelled at me that I’ll be a fried chicken if I’m not careful.
As if.
I don’t know what she’s making, but it looks like she’s making sure we get worms and bugs. I like this.
 
Yours,
 
Thelma “Call me Smokey” Chuck

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25/03/2020

25-03-2020 - IMG_3941-Export

Dear Diary,

I hate chickens.
Actually, I hate Thelma & Louise.
I’m not a small cat, but those two gang up on me. I try to follow new mum around, and try for cuddles…and just as my attention is diverted — incoming chicken.
They RUN at me. They CHASE me. They EAT MY FOOD!!!
There used to be a time when I was the one who ruled here. Now? First those three aliens moved into the house. They’re okay, even if they look weird. Then the two big four leggeds arrived. They were okay too.
But then… then those chickens arrived. First there were three, now there are 4. I can handle the smaller ones. They are okay, they don’t chase me.
The two black menaces though… ALWAYS picking on me!

Also, new mum has learned that I figured out the cat flap into the kitchen. Now I don’t get to go inside anymore, and when I do, she locks the flap so I don’t empty all the bowls.
I’m going to starve.
Yes, I get food in the morning. Yes, there are mice to catch. But… it’s so much easier to just empty those two bowls in the kitchen.
And when she puts out some sausage or something for me…
THE CHICKENS EAT IT!
What the hell!!!

Yours,

Squeaky, the abused cat

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24/03/2020

Timmy Nose
Dear Diary,
 
I arr leaning le Eengleesh.
 
I was adopté en décembre, and I comme ici. Butt le langue est très difficile!
Le soleil was out too day. I was having my own affaires, when human arrive avec un “head Colleur”. I sink we go to le gazon. Non.
Le human me traîne to le Car Port, and mutile mon feet. Avec un rasp.
I sink c’est fini, non.
Elle arrive avec un bucket and une éponge, and commence à me laver le nez!! And mes oreilles!! I no like ear lavage.
What is “ointment”?
 
Elle put quelque chose on le cheval blanc. She say is sunn glacees. It no look like des lunettes de soleil.
Les humains are bizarres.
 
Elle travail in le woods apres midi. J’ai aidé, but le Stormy interfere.
She throw la substance blanche on le Bracken. It was not comestible. I try et eet was dégoûtant, so je spit out.
 
What is “Diet”?
 
Bon Courage,
 
Tiny Tim, a.k.a “Donk”

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23/03/2020

Pixie in the Out
Dear Diary,
 
Today, after 4697 days of confinement, I was allowed in the Out! The sun was shining, and mum said “It’s warm enough for a postbox run” and I was Allowed. In. The. OUT!!!
I went to the other door, and checked what’s there! (It smelled funny. I had to make a face.) We went to the post box! And back again! In the Barn! To the chickens!
There is a metal wheely thing outside the door. It has many little pots inside with little stickers in them. They all smell like mum’s gloves. Poopy. God knows why she filled them with rotting poop, but who am I to judge. I wanted to paw one, but she wouldn’t let me.
I chased a chicken! It was awesome!!
(Until the chicken chased me. Not so awesome.)
And then I had to go back in again. 　
That wasn’t so awesome. I shall start counting again.
She did come in with a stick and a flag on it. And we play-played!
That was fun, but then she left and play-played with the horses instead.
Now she even closed the window! My cunning plan to push the mesh out has been foiled!
 
Yours, trapped inside,
 
Pixie, the naked, imprisoned cat.
 
P.S. Send treats. Mum says she doesn’t have any.
P.P.S. I think she is lying.

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22/03/2020

Livvy-Bum-Slap
Dear Diary,
 
Yesterday evening someone puked into mum’s welly.
It wasn’t me.
I’m a good cat.
But if the bum slaps aren’t increasing, then I might have to do something rash. She’s seriously slacking. I’ve assumed the position repeatedly today, get one quick slap, and then she rushes off again to do something else.
What the hell is that about?
There are no visitors either, so I can’t even ambush anyone else.
And, omg, she clipped everyone’s claws!
I’m going to try to sit on her all night now. Maybe there will be bum slaps then. But when I tried earlier, she just fell asleep! I tried tapping her face with my paw, but that didn’t work either.
It’s not right.
I need this Q thing to finish, so people come again and I get bum slaps.
 
Yours,
 
Livvy, the neglected cat

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